The Electricity Police

"Ello Ello Ello, what's going on here then? Gone up to 14p? You've been a very naughty girl, haven't you?"

I can practically see him in a Policeman's uniform, hands cupped behind his back, bending his knees like they do in the comedy films. Only, this has definitely lost it's funny side.

"Reduce your energy use and save up to £150 with EnergySmart" said British Gas. "We'll give you a free clever little electricity monitor". Sounded familiar...

My mum tells me that my dad has one of these "clever little electricity monitors". He wanders round the house measuring how much leccy everthing is using. Woe betide you if you think you can have the telly AND the computer on at the same time though. He drives her mad with it. I have to admit, I was intrigued.

So I signed up.

Then it arrived...

Normally, I can't get my husband off the computer for his tea, but the words "I've got a free electricty gadget" shouted up the stairs seemed to do the trick. He practically had flames coming out the bottom of his socks he came down that fast. Husband couldn't get it out of the box fast enough ("Nails, Have you got nails? Forget it. Scissors, we need scissors"). It was plugged in and away we went. Somehow, it benchmarks you against the 'average family useage'. When you are on target for the day, it has a little tick, when you're not going to meet it, a cross. All sounds good so far, till I tell you that we are clearly not the average family.

You get up in the morning - big fat cross. I only need to look at it and I can hear the Family Fortune's "EH URGH" noise. Clearly, we use too much even when we're asleep. The computer alone puts us over the limit for the day! I feel like a glutenous planet killer who's guzzling all the electric. I'm going to get up one morning to find Greenpeace protestors on my lawn, living in the leylandii, handcuffing themselves to my washing machine whilst singing Bob Dylan.

Mr Gumpy has now passed out of basic training and become Sgt Grumpy. He's become obsessed. It's the new 'Way Forward'. He has become the Electricity Police. All he needs is a blue flashing light and he'd be away. If it didn't use electric he'd probably get one, and a loudhailer and siren too. The 'clever little electricity monitor' sits in front of him all day long on his desk, and his eyes are peeled on it for the slightest change. There are also Def Con 1 moments when for some reason my husband seems to think 'The Big Guy' has moved in and is using our leccy...

"Jesus Christ!14p! It's gone up to 14p"! What have you switched on???"

(Banging on bathroom door) "Jesus Christ! Hurry up in that shower!!! It's on 80p!

"Jesus Christ!!!! Have you got the washer on or something? Jesus Christ!

"Dishwasher??? Jesus Christ! We'll have to start doing it by hand! That works out at 50p a load!"

TEN YEARS I've been trying to get him to hand wash the dishes and sack the dishwasher. 'Clever little electricity monitor" managed it within 2 days. For most men, the best way to their hearts is through their stomach. For geeks, obviously the best way to their hearts is through their gadget.

It's like being in Cell Block H. One minute you're in a room, just sitting there, the next minute, you're in the dark.

Me: "Hey! Who turned the light out?"
Sgt: "You don't need that on"
Me: "But it's 11pm, pitch dark and I was reading???"
Sgt: "Read during the day, it costs less"

It also doubles as an 'activity tracking device':

Sgt: "Have you made a brew for me as well?"
Me: "Eh?"
Sgt "Well I saw the elecric shoot up and I assumed it was the kettle going on"
Me: "oh" (only made one for myself, whoops, caught out)
Me: "Do you want one?"
Sgt: "Yeah"
Me: "I'll go make one"
Sgt: (shouts after me...) "And make sure you pour it as soon as it's boiled. I noticed you boiled it twice last time... and bring snacks".

Now he's got me shouting for The Big Guy.

I've now come to a decision. The average family are clearly from a Quaker small holding, where they wash in a stream, sit in the dark and cook on an open fire (not electric of course). They also have a wind turbine , with six kids on exercise bikes hooked up this turbine like hamsters on a wheel, peddling like the clappers 24/7.

I try not to think about this as I'm watching Sky and sitting typing on my lecci-burning laptop. Wonder how much I used writing this? Maybe I can blame it on Jesus, or just start peddling.